What Happened to the Blog?? The Story behind the disappearance of the 1st Blog. I am so Sorry!!

Well, Here it goes the story behind the Blog. The reason it was started and then deleted and started again. Wow, It is such an amazing but yet crazy story..... So here we go..

Last Saturday: We currently have not had health insurance but what we pay for Cobra which if you have ever been on is an arm and a leg but really what do you do?? So I have not been able to see my counselor in a long time and realistically I felt like I have been seeing this guy for 6-7 years and and slowly slowed down to maybe one time every six months unless something drastic happened...

So I had been talking with him this Saturday and we decided that I was going to write down all the Sh** the Tornado that had hit. Things had started to slow down for me and I was feeling allot better. So he suggested Write it all down the positive stories the negative stories. What happened, how you felt every little detail etc...  I had commented to my counselor" No way, I would never want anyone to find this and read it." But the purpose of the exercise was to write it all down let it out put it away and not to look back and only look forward and not to drown any longer in the paind and suffering of what had caused me and my friends, family etc... So he suggested just get on the computer and write it all down there is tons of places you can do this blog, blogger, word... etc suggested tons of places you could do this.

So I thought a bit about this and was talking with one of my best friends that day. Sorry guys, I promised everyone No names period.... It is just too traumatic... So Talking with a best friend and they suggested just go to blogger or blog spot and just create an account that way it is password protected and just write. No one will be able to get into it. (Little Did I know)

Well being a work-a-holic like I am i really honestly don't know allot about blogging , blog spot, all the amazing things the Internet and programs have to offer out there wow... Did I learn a big lesson and fast. So Saturday night about 11:30p.m or so I am ready to start writing.

I had no clue where to start so I just started at where the tornado started to take off. about 5-6 years ago. I have so much I want to say. Positive, Negative etc.... I really have turned out to become a better person because of all this and I unfortunately can learn allot about a person usually within the first 15 minutes of a conversation. And if you ask any of my friends I like to Talk. I have a hard time listening.. Okay laugh guys... But, I did set a goal to become a better listener so if you comment I will read. I am going to become a better listener. I am the type. I do work hard to improve myself for the better of my family and kids and relationships. But, YES sometimes I drown myself in work because it takes my mind away from it all. I have a hard time dealing or talking with some of these subject.

So I write for about 6 hours and get about 12 different blog entries in. Go to bed about 4:30 or later don't remember just remember it was late and I had Church the next morning. So logged off and I was so tired Sunday I didn't start answering my calls that started ringing in at 7 am who calls at 7am on a Sunday morning.......???? Turned the phone to silence as I caught up on some sleep and skipped out on church oops sorry Bis if you read this.

So about 2pm I finally realize wow I have not turned my phone back on. I turn it on to have gotten 24 CALLS what the heck. So I call voicemail and first message off the bat is a friend I modeled back in the day with. Haven't spoken too in years oh about 6 years to be more exact. As I listen in she goes into how amazing and brave I was to write all these things that have happened to be in life on my blog. She had no clue I had been through all this and she hopes it was OK but, she forwarded to some of my close friends in the fashion industry.

At that point Mouth dropped wide open thinking what the heck how did she know I had a blog I told no one. Called her up and found out that well if you search titles like: Rape, assault, sexual assault, stalking injunction, attorney, money, addiction, rehab, death, loss of a loved one any of these things well my blog has allot of this and allot of stories I want to tell about this.. So wow someone had read my blog. Yep crapping my pants, freaking out because this was personal information stuff I had not been able to deal with and I had only began only a little slight 1/10000th of the stories.. Ouch and when I was done with that 6 hours of writing, I was an emotional basket case, i was literally shaking this was very hard for me.

So I logged into the blog... to my surprise 566 views yep that's right not even a 24 hour period and I had 566 views of people who had read my blog. OK yep freaking out. Call my counselor and say what do I do. He calms me down and we decide well lets make this a family blog one we can all tell our feeling about all this things we have been through and hope that anyone going through the same thing can reach out for help, or just to talk to someone. I know how hard some of these issues are to do deal with. I am still dealing with them.

So(Spouse currently) decides he is going to write his side of the story and we aren't going to read each others feelings or blogs until later down the road. Because we can never stop to listen to each other we always think we as Myself or him have been hurt more. In fact we both have went through allot with it as you will read to find out. So Spouse starts adding pictures starts doing his blogging. I am in a little weird stage of uncomfortableness and not sure if I should blog or not. Worried about getting feedback I can't take. I don't know its just allot to deal with.

Well Monday Labor Day rolls around first call I receive is a okay I wont say what advertisement company as I have been contracted as a model out as a spokes model for allot of them. So they call and ask to place a ad on our blog and any sales I will get 20% of. Keep in mind I did not start this blog to make money. I did it to close all these chapter's of my life as I have never told my stories to anyone I have buried them deep inside and if your lucky on a day you might hear bits and pieces. Rumors have flown and flown so more than anything once we decided to let this go public I wanted everyone to here the truth straight from my mind and what I endured and every detail so they could understand and not here gossip. My least favorite thing in the world. I don't gossip and I wont allow it in the office I hate it. It hurts people and I am a people pleas er.

Well Monday arbor 4pm I tell the advertising agency I will think about it and get back to him. He states the traffic to the blog is unreal in a 28 period of time we have had over 3000 visits to the blog.. WHAT THE H^^^ is what I am thinking. I log on and over 300+ in comments have been made. I don't mind comments but, I wasn't sure I was ready for them so I start reading them and just I don't know what I was thinking just kind of freaked out 48 hours and I had over 4, 567 people that had read my blogs. WOW and Did I really want all these people to know my story.. I was scared so I pushed ERASE..... OUCH.

Immediately I get a call from several advertisement agencies letting me know that luckily they do a back up drive nightly so they could pull it back up. I swear. So I agreed I would blog and this is the reason. I want to help others who have been through what we have been through.. I want to talk with you and help push you along. You can survive the toughest of the toughest. I am sure I have many trials along the way. I actually am dealing with a very difficult one myself right now LOVE but, funny how the hardest trials in your life is always when  you learn the most. So yes I will blog. But comment, email, call let me  help you, Utilize my resources ask for resources.

But, again all names will be left out for security purposes and attack of the media purposes so those of you that know me or hear a story and all the sudden you get it. I know this family. Please do not make a comment of whom we are. we are still dealing with allot of these issues and they are still very fresh and if you know who we are please keep that private for now until I figure out if I want to share that info.

I am a very honest person and  I don't lie so what you hear is the TRUTH. But, I am also glad after 2 years of being silenced by attorneys I can actually have a voice. So I have my Voice and the TRUTH will be revealed. I have allot of stories and I hope you look forward in them and if going through the same thing don't hesitate to call, email etc.. I am here for you. WE may only be a family but a strong one at that. i want to do big things with this. So I will post this and copy and edit the old ones for you whom did not get to read them.

Thanks for your patience as I have received 1789 requests to follow my blog in the last 3 days so thank you for all of you who will give me the support It keep on going.

Thanks again,

Pay It Forward Family