You know what I hate 430am and over 2 to 3 years later & yet another nightmare. Waking up shaking in a sweat feeling as is the dream true?? Because.... 2,3 years ago it was no dream it was reality. I want the dreams to STOP. You never can go back to sleep. Same dream the dream you thought only happens in the movies. Yet for me my dream I got to experience first hand no movie it was real.
The chill of waking to a light breeze & then was it real you heard footsteps. Were they a bad dream? Part of your imagination? No they are. Real. 4:09 am the clock reads. Is one of the kids awake you call out to your kids. No answer the footsteps come closer & our heavy. Is my husband for some reason home a day & half early from work you call out. No answer. Footsteps become heavier and you start to panic. You put your head under the covers praying quickly go away. Take this away. This is in my imagination. And then the footsteps stop whoever it is has arrived. Arrived at your bedroom door. And then the shear terror of a really, really bad dream but is reality HITS. The lights are snapped on and there IT is your worst fear & nightmare come true. What to do.
IT'S a man dressed in black and he has a gun and its pointed directly at YOU.
The nightmare that is not a nightmare begins.
Yet... Tonight again trembling so hard I am thankful once 30 minutes have pasted I realize just another bad dream. Of what once was my reality of a worst nightmare... Worst movie clip ever. I am alive and it was just a reminder of that night that one night that has haunted me every night for years and years.
And now I flog if I was not trembling so bad the details of that night I would tell but... I am slowly working up the courage to relive that one dreadful....god awful night. As tonight I am thankful to be alive to take another breathe and I have 2 hours left to try and get some more sleep before. It usually never happens. Events play back and forth in my head. Scenarios what ifs. So I end tonight's blog with. I thank god I am alive, I am a survivor and my family is alive, justice is and so far has somewhat been served so tonight I thank god only another nightmare. I am alive and tomorrow I will celebrate life.
For some reason I battled for my life those weeks after that brutal attack of the rape and assault attack. Waking up days, weeks later in the hospital to see those kids smiling faces as I awoke. They had a rough couple of weeks or had it been months?? But mom was alive.... To be continued ...
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ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I'm so sorry for the things that have happened to you. I've not read your story just your post about a blog you've created.
I can't even begin to try and know the many emotions that surround you and your family after an awful act of abuse.
I just want to tell you how great of a person you are. Though I don't always make a great attempt to stay in touch with many of those people who I feel are my friends, I still hope you know I value our friendship. It's hard not to laugh at all of the silly things we did in middle school thru high school but I have so many great, funny and silly stories that make me smile from time to time when something jogs my mind.
You have always been a strong person, ad like you said, one who likes to talk! I remember the time we talked and both fell asleep on the phone. Back before the days of cell phones and text messaging. I can only imaging had we had that technology we really would have been in trouble at school.
I'm happy that you've found a possitive outlet for your story. I know there will be many ups and downs, but after reading the small info you posted about the reaction from people who have heard your story, I only know but great things will come about.
I sincerely as a friend, hope and wish you strength, comfort, peace and happiness in your journey. If you ever need a laugh, snickerdoodle cookie, or anything please just ask.
There are certain people who no matter how long it's been since I've chatted with, I still feel a close friendship. You are one of those.
Take care and know that not only am I here to support you, but there is literally thousands of others waiting for your strength to help them overcome their trials too!
Your friend,
XXXXXXXX
Zaney Zebra, Now if there is anything you could do you could get that Tennis racket out and brush the dust off from it and let me basically kick your butt somemore at Tennis. You know you were such a great friend and you our right we will no matter how much time passes, still be some of the bestest friends; we ever had. During those school years its funny how good of friends we were. You were the only one who would play and play tennis with me until we would almost drop dead, and then talk about it for hours and hours afterwards. You know mainly about how I skooled you but, I don't know you might have gotten better....ha-ha.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your message. It is great to hear from other people that there was so much to life and life is fun. It is a good life and really I am thankful it didn't happen to a best friend, friend, family member or kid of mine. I would rather deal with it and figure out how too, then think of someone else go through it. you know me people pleaser. By the way I have gotten better at that...LOL
It is great to hear from you and that your prayers are there and I am doing so much better. I am just glad I can finally start to talk about it. We have had so many trials and they keep coming and I keep thinking to myself " ok what lesson have I not learned that i keep getting these trials." But until I know I will share my stories and hope that all I can do is encourage anyone to keep moving on. Well and reach from others the courage to keep going. Because really it is a good life and there is some great people out there. I have recently made a couple new friends that I can say I think of a friend in a whole new light it is great. I want the world for them. As I do you.
We have alot of dang memories so when you have a bad day get your butt on facebook or on the blog and I will cheer you up with a memory or two...I am almost positive I could come up with a laugh from our stories for at least 6 years worth as I could our circle of friends then. Lets see what was my nick name actually I think I was Zany Zebra and you were Andre Agassi??? Help me out its been years. We always had code nick names in school it was great.(But, I cant remember WHY?? the heck Zaney Zebra or whatever it was??
And you always were the best to give me my guy advice. Dang too bad thats not still the case.. I try to give my boys girl advice and WOW I think Stay away we are emotional basket cases...LOL but, then again Guys our cavemen and not really that sensitive too. I dont know just an assesment I have made probably not trues. So Never been to great at the advice but you were. I miss that. I hope all is well and the best for you. I hear you are doing well and it is so great to hear from you. again thanks for the contact. Crazy how news travels so fast. this blog one entry and 566 views in 4 hours wow it freaked me out at first but, I am figuring it out. ONE of your bestest Friends forever. No matter how many decades pass. Signing out Zaney The Zebra.....LMAO Thanks for the Laugh!!
Way to go xxxxx. Brave and helpful to others who may be facing similar challenges and are afraid to speak out. Had to laugh when you gpt so many blog hits without even wanting it to be public - "OK yep freaking out" - had me laughing! All the best to your family :)
ReplyDeleteSeptember 13 at 9:02am · LikeUnlike · .xxxxxx xxxxx, I had no idea. I admire you for being strong enough to share your story and hopefully help others along the way. You have my support.